Screams and Star Wars

Ezri's new thing is screaming. Shrieking, in fact. She screams when she's happy, she screams when she's upset, it's brutal. It's not like she's a 3 year old that you can talk to, ask to stop, or discipline. She's 7 months old, and all you can really do is let her shriek. It is the highest pitched and most piercing shrill cry I have ever heard.

She's "exploring sound." Ya, let's go with that.

The last couple days have been especially hard. I feel like I'm back four months ago. She's been puking a ton more, shrieking, not letting me put her down, crying the second I leave her sight, breast feeding constantly. It seems like her stomach's been giving her some trouble, but I can't figure out exactly what caused it. Maybe it's just a growth spurt, who knows.

In other news, Ezri had two important firsts. But important from different parental standpoints. Important to me: First Cracker! (Baby Mum-Mum, actually) It was her first finger food (although she tried bananas as finger food, she had less than minimal success, so I don't really count that), and she did well! Important to her father: First Star Wars! I'm rewatching the originals, and she "watched" one with me today. Josh thought it was quite momentous, demanded I take a picture of her watching (which, of course, I did).

Different perspectives, different priorities.

Fabulous Times

My dad was visiting this past week and a bit, fabulous times with Ezri and her Grandpa! We went to the Pride Parade, Granville Island, did some shopping, but mostly just hung out and had fun.

Last weekend I actually go to go out. Like out out. To a party and everything. I put her to bed before we left, and my dad stayed with her while Josh and I attended a birthday party. He didn't hear a peep out of her! It was a little brutal though, I drank a bit much, and she was up at 7am. I couldn't breastfeed (because I wasn't feeling 100%) so I pumped and dumped, giving her formula. It was so sad, because normally I can only get a few ounces, but because it was morning time, I was full and got a whole bottle's worth! It hurt having to pour it away!

I see why parents don't party, fuuuuuuck. I was so tired and out of it the next day. Baby is up when baby is up. I say, if you're going to get a babysitter, get them to stay over night and look after the squirt in the morning too. HA! Best idea ever. It'd better be something really good to make it worthwhile.

In sleep news, Ezri continues to amaze me every day. This morning she almost fell asleep on the livingroom floor while we watched The National, passed right out after being put in the crib. She's also more likely to fall asleep in the stroller (though not for long), which helps to not feel tied to the house a good chunk of the day.

Hooray for fun weeks!

Week End Review

Today is officially one week since we started our sleep training adventure (well, technically tonight), so I thought I'd overview how things went:

Brilliant.

We had another couple nights of sleeping straight through, and last night she fussed at 5am for maybe 5 minutes and went back to sleep without being checked on. Her nighttime going to sleep is virtually tearless (she cries for like three seconds, turns over and sleeps), ditto with her morning nap. Her afternoons are still a little rough (two failed nap attempts yesterday, but a good 2.5 hour morning nap), but she's learning!

I reeeeeallllly like having my nights back. And my bed back! It's a little difficult to get up earlier (I'm one of those people who require quite a bit of sleep), but it's an okay trade off. I have to admit though, I do miss the closeness of having her nap on me, getting to watch her sleep, cuddling with that tiny creature. Just means I have to make more of the awake time!  I'd call the training phase over, now we're onto the "this is just how things are" phase. Hooray!

In other news: did her Upper GI test on Wednesday at Children's Hospital. After waiting around for 45 minutes, they came and told me the Dr would be "occupied" for the next hour (lunch break?!) so to come back. She hadn't eaten at that point for almost 4 hours! :( Luckily she slept in the stroller for most of the time we were waiting around.

Finally got into the exam room and it wasn't as traumatic as I thought. They had the cutest little baby-sized hospital gowns, put her on a table and lowered the live x-ray over her. They turned her on her side and got her to drink some barium and sugar water (gross) and watched it go down, then watched it drain from her stomach. They then got her to drink some on her back. I got to watch the monitor too (it was right next to the bed) which was pretty nifty. There were two women with the Dr whose job it was to distract the baby (fun job!).

The conclusion was that everything is anatomically normal: no issues with her stomach (her dad has a hiatal hernia), nothing wrong with her colon, and she swallows just fine. He definitely saw reflux (the barium went back up before it went down), but nothing serious. Yay! She drank the barium like a champ, only panicked slightly when the machine was raised up and down, and didn't cry at all :)

So that's that. Friday now, an eventful week. My dad's in town visiting, it's a long weekend, and we might even have a nice day or two coming up. Huzzah!

Sleep Training: Night #4

The last couple days were kind of rough. Ezri was absolutely fighting her afternoon naps with every fiber in her being. We had multiple failed nap attempts (the book suggests calling the nap off if they aren't asleep after a half hour) and many instances of teetering on the brink of sleep in dad's arms then freaking out when put down. Her morning naps are freaky easy, and today was better than Saturday or Sunday, but the afternoons that are brutal. At least today she actually slept, but after 20 minutes of crying and only for a half hour.

BUT she just went down for the night with zero tears. Just rolled over and went to sleep. Love it. She also slept through the night again (so two out of three nights!), waking up briefly once for less than ten minutes (didn't even get checking on her). Up for the day at 7:15am.

My breasts are still getting used to not feeding at night, barf. This morning, because she's a nice little girl, she decided to kick my one (sore and engorged) breast while feeding on the other. Bitch.

Overall, I'd call our sleep training a success. They say by day 4, things should be relatively settled, and I'd say other than our rough afternoon naps, it's pretty settled. Baby girl's textbook! I would definitely recommend this process for parents, it really wasn't as bad as I expected, and once you get past the self-imposed guilt, it's worth it to give your baby the skills to fall asleep on their own.

Side note:
Got a call from BC Women and Children's Hospital today, we're going in for Ezri's upper GI thingy on Wednesday. And my papa bear gets here tomorrow!! Hooray! Busy week.

The Adventures in Sleep Continue

It's official. My child is incredible.

Well, not like I didn't know that already. But now it's just offical.

The rest of the day yesterday was pretty harsh. She slept for about an hour in the morning, which was good, but then had a 20 minute doze in the stroller in the early afternoon, resisted her proper afternoon nap with a bunch of crying (eventually fell asleep, but didn't stay down long), and then even had a short fourth nap around 6pm (we just couldn't keep her awake). She was cranky and overtired from short naps (an infant's sleep cycle is 50 minutes, any less than that in a single stretch and they aren't properly rested).

She was in a pretty good mood after her early evening nap, so I kept her up for a while. Daddy did bath, I nursed her, we sang some songs and read some books as a family on the floor, then dad put her down (it was his turn to put her down and do night wakings). Not a single peep from this child. Not a one. Asleep in the corner of her crib.

I'd say dad got off easy!

She woke up around 1:20am and I figured I'd leave her for a few, and if she was still awake, I'd feed her. Well, she went right back to sleep! Only a minute of crying, then we didn't hear from her again until 6am. She fussed a bit, but I didn't go to her right away, and managed to get another 45 minutes from her.

Up a little early, but I'd say night #2 was a huge success! Woohoo!! My breasts, however, were not as pleased as I was. They were rock hard, definitely not used to not feeding at night.

She was cranky at first waking, but overall in a good mood this morning, much better than yesterday. She's asleep napping now, went down with maybe 30 seconds of fussing (mostly because I had to take her off the breast, as she was falling asleep while nursing).

So ya, my baby's awesome. I'm so glad I waited to do this, though. I feel like a month ago it would have been another story entirely. She was definitely ready and I am tres happy.

I know I'm not out of the woods yet. Yesterday's first nap was easy too, so we'll see how the rest of the day goes (hopefully not doing a short stroller nap will help her sleep longer at her afternoon nap).

Big 'ole w00t w00t!!

Night #1 = WIN

We did it. We survived Night #1 of sleep training.

Here's the breakdown of the night: we started bedtime later than usual. Ferber recommends putting the child to bed at the latest point they fall asleep (so even if bedtime is 7, if she doesn't usually fall asleep til 8, start it at 8). I was waiting for Josh to get home from work (I know I couldn't have done it on my own) so it was even later than I had wanted, but it assured she was good and tired (but surprisingly not overtired). Fed her at 8. Bath just before 9, some songs on the floor, dad walked in right before I started books, so he joined us for stories. Then into bed she went!

She didn't start crying right away, she lay quietly for about 5 minutes, then started whimpering. Night 1 check-ins are as follows: after 3 minutes, 5 minutes, 7 minutes, then it maxes out at 10. We didn't even make the 7 minute check-in. She was asleep after only two check ins! Asleep by 9:50.

First wake-up was around 2:20am. I had told myself that I wasn't going to cut out her nighttime feedings cold turkey, so I fed her at this waking. 10 minutes later, put her into bed still awake. The night is a bit of a haze so I can't remember if I did no check-ins or just one, but regardless of the specifics, it was quick! Minimal crying, out like a light.

Second wake-up was shortly after 5am. The book had mentioned that a wake up around 5 or 6 rarely results in them going back to sleep, so to just get them up for the day then. But my child is a bit of a late riser, and we went to bed super late, so I was fairly certain I could get her back to sleep. I had to fight every urge in my body not to just pull her into bed with me, but we did it. Once again, didn't even make it to the 7 minute check-in!

However this time was kind of weird. I was concerned about the 5am wake up, because she often has a period at night between 5 and 6 that she's awake in bed, so even though she wasn't crying, I went in to check on her after about 10 minutes anyways. Sure enough, she was awake! Just lying there, legs splayed in little froggy pose, just staring at her mobile. I left her, and checked again in another 10 minutes. Still awake. This time she noticed me, head snapped in my direction, but I snuck out and she didn't utter a peep. I didn't check again after that, so I have no idea when she actually fell asleep.

She was up for the day at 7:30, which really isn't too bad (we're usually up around 8 anyways). Breast fed, solids, playtime. I was holding her and she seemed to be reaching for my breast, so I fed her again around 9, at which point she started to get dozy, so I took her to her bedroom, turned her music on, and popped her into bed. She whimpered when I first put her in, but I said goodnight, kissed her on the forehead, and left. Not a single tear was shed, and like magic, she was asleep.

I'm currently sitting here in slight disbelief at how easy naptime was. This is what I was fearing the most, as my sister has had all kinds of trouble with naps (even though nighttime sleep training went well). It was likely mostly because she was exhausted from the less than usual sleep last night, but still. I'll take victories wherever I can get them!

As a side note, Ezri had her 6 month Dr's appointment. Only one needle this time! Her doctor is fairly sure she has reflux though, as her spitting up as gotten worse, rather than better, over the last couple months. Given Josh's medical history (all kinds of gastrointestinal issues) he's ordered an upper GI test for her to make sure she doesn't have any breathing or swallowing obstructions. He asked me if she seemed otherwise happy, to wich I said yes (that's just what you say, right? How are you? I'm fine. You don't really think about it), which is kinda not true. She's pretty fussy overall, though I suppose not unhappy. But fussiness is a symptom of reflux. He didn't prescribe anything, but we'll assess things futher at her follow up.

So that's that. Sleep training started, not nearly as scary as I though it'd be. I'm definitely glad to have chosen the Ferber Method rather than the full on cry-it-out. Fingers crossed tonight goes as well!!

The One About Sleep

So I'm finally getting around to writing about the reading I did on sleep stuff. I do this now because we (read: I) have decided to start our process on Friday. Eeep!! I'm very nervous, but I know we'll get through it, Ezri with a new skill (falling asleep on her own) and me with a little more time to myself each day.

The first book I read was called Bed Timing, and the entire premise of the book was that there are certain periods within the first four years of a child's life that are more conducive to undergoing some form or another of sleep training than others. It describes what is going on developmentally within these various ages, what the emotional consequences are of these developmental stages, and what that means for sleep training. It then goes on to describe the most common forms of training (including the no-cry method).

What I got out of this book was a) a lot of fabulously interesting developmental information, b) the suggestion to wait until 6 months when a good window opens up (actually, the best window), and c) a sense of ease that I am not a bad parent for thinking of my own sanity when it comes to my child's sleep habits.

What I mean by that is that in doing reading on infant sleep, the whole "no-cry" camp was making me feel terribly guilty about not wanting to co-sleep forever and about thinking that maybe, just maybe, crying wasn't going to kill my child. I ended up coming across a few articles online putting into question some of the fundamental Searsian assumptions about crying and the effects of sleep training (and by fundamental, I mean basic arguments made by this camp; not necessarily common in the general population). I recommend reading the first link, this author actually contacted the authors of a couple of the studies that Sears frequently uses to ask them if the conclusions being drawn from their study are accurate. Guess what. They said no way.

What it comes down to is: will letting my child cry for a couple hours a night for a few nights harm her? The answer: not likely. The studies cited to "prove" this are mostly on crying in cases of severe abuse and/or neglect. If crying itself caused the damage, children with colic would all have brain damage, which is simply not the case.

What I needed to do was hear that I wasn't a terrible mother for choosing anything other than attachment parenting principles when dealing with my child's sleep issues. They're like religious fanatics, these people: their way is the right way, and anyone who doesn't adhere is going to Bad Parent Hell. It made me frustrated, their advice was not helpful, and all it did was make me feel shitty. Once I let that go, stopped letting them judge me, I was able to learn more about sleep itself.

I ended up reading Dr Richard Ferber's book, Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems (he's no-cry's devil). This guy is the director of The Centre for Paediatric Sleep Disorders at the Children's Hospital Boston, so he knows a thing or two about sleep. The book was incredibly detailed: it outlined how sleep works, how the brain works while it's sleeping, how children's sleep differs from adults, and even covered topics such as sleepwalking, night terrors, and bed wetting (it'll be a good one to keep around, for sure). He outlines, in an easy to follow way, what has become known as "The Ferber Method."

The Ferber Method is essentially a method of progressive waiting. You leave the child for 3 minutes, come and comfort them, leave them for 5, comfort them, etc, until they fall asleep, ending with leaving them for no more than a certain amount at a time. The next night you start at 5 minutes, etc. The idea is to allow the child the opportunity to learn to fall asleep on their own, while still supporting them and letting them know that you haven't abandoned them. Within 3-7 nights, the child is able to sleep on their own.

The way he describes sleep props really got to me (Ezri's sleep prop is nursing, and sometimes, if I'm lucky, being bounced by papa). He says, listen: imagine you go to sleep every night the same way. You brush your teeth, you change into your PJs, you wash your face, you get into bed with your pillow and your blanket, and drift off. In the middle of the night, just as your sleep cycle touches the edge of consciousness (which we all do, many times a night), you realize that your pillow is gone! Someone has snuck in and taken your pillow away! They do this every night, and you get so flustered (you need that to sleep!) that you start resisting sleep. Now imagine that you can't speak or leave your room to go look for that pillow. How frustrating would that be?! That's what it's like for a child to wake up without something they went to sleep with (soother, breast, rocking, music, whatever).

Now imagine that instead of waking up without your pillow, you went to sleep in your bed and woke up in the garage! How disorienting! That's what it's like for children to fall asleep in mom's arms and wake up in the crib.

I'm doing this for Ezri as much (more!) than I'm doing it for me. Yes, I'm done co-sleeping. Yes, I'd like my evenings to get to *gasp* spend with my husband. Yes, I'd like to be able to put the dishes away while she naps. But more than that, I want her to have this skill. I'd rather not have her be 3+ years old, still getting frustrated that she's tired but can't fulfill that need on her own.

Holy Summer, Batman!

Whoa. I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted anything until I read my last post about Ezri getting her four month shots. It's almost coming time for her 6 month shots!!

Time really has gotten away with me. Ezri's more active, we're getting out more, the weather is improving (somewhat) and we just generally try to keep busy. I still want to write a post about all the sleep crap I've been reading, but after a day in the sun, I'm sleepy and lazy.

Doing some lighter reading at the moment, reading a book called Free Range Kids (link to her blog). It's a fun book, giving me lots to think about in regards to the years to come and at what age I'll let Ezri do what. The book is making the argument that despite the statistical unlikelihood of terrible things happening (crime of all kinds are at the lowest since the 50s), we allow ourselves to run our lives and parent our children based on "What If"s. Children play less outside, they are constantly supervised, and we distrust everyone around us.

If you've heard of this woman, it's through being known as "America's Worst Mom." She made headlines when she wrote (she's a journalist) about sending her son on the subway in NYC by himself. I believe he was 9 at the time, he felt he was ready, he had done it a million times before, had money, a cell phone, a transit pass, and a map. She left him in Bloomingdale's and he found his way home. People threw a shit fit!!

There's so much concern about child abduction, but statistically, it's incredibly rare. You're more likely to get struck by lightening than have your child taken away (and even then, it's more likely to be the other parent, while in a custody battle, than some random stranger on the street). Fear is justified by saying "But what if" and "Just in case." Parents are damned and looked down upon for "taking risks" (as though leaving a 10 year old home alone for two hours is the same as leaving your 2 year old in the middle of the street).

It's funny and lighthearted, but a good read. There are a few issues that we don't have so much in Canada (or not nearly as intensely), such as caution for fear of litigation and fear-mongering "the world is going to kill your baby" media sensationalism.

Ezri's in her crib sleeping at the moment. I wonder if I should watch her, lest a home invader climb 4 stories and steal her. What if, man. What. If.

Small Victories

Ezri had her four month shots today. Poor girl was a wreck! Only got a little nap in before I had to wake her up to leave, so she was exhausted and hurty. Took forever to calm down but then slept (in the stroller! She never does that) for 3+ hours!

Doctor made me feel ten times better about everything. He didn't make a big deal out of co-sleeping, he didn't bat an eye when I told him about how often I feed her, and wasn't in the least concerned about her infrequent poops or her weight. According to his growth charts (I'm assuming the online ones were the old charts based on formula fed babies, I know they've been revised recently), she's actually 15th-25th percentile (not sure why the wide range), not 6th. He said she just seems like a tiny baby, that's just how she is. Put my mind at ease (and we all know what stress does to milk production!).

Unfortunately, he was unaware of the link between POS and low milk supply, but said that if I had to be on Domperidone as long as I was breast feeding, so be it. He also mentioned that she's likely going through a growth spurt right now (worse time possible to miss doses and mess up my supply), thus the extra hungriness. Recommended starting rice cereal in a month, which he said will help with her hunger and maybe even make it so I don't need to supplement because the calories I can't provide will be provided by the solids. But overall, the visit was very positive.

So screw that nurse yesterday. I'm doing just fine (thank you to those who provided me with encouraging messages, comments, and even phone calls after my last post!). I've decided to stick with a formula schedule, give her one bottle in the morning and one at night (at the breast first, of course), because those are her most crucial times (being well fed at those times sets the tone for the rest of the day/night). And hopefully (as I did tonight), that'll give me the opportunity to pump right after I put her down in order to get at least some expressed breast milk to use in the morning (which means less formula). The more I empty my breasts completely, the more milk I make!

Tonight was a strange night sleep wise. Because of her weird napping day, she was tired at about 5:30 (starting to get restless and cranky). I figured I may as well put her to bed, rather than do a late nap and an even later bedtime (late bedtimes, counterintuitively, do not mean I get to sleep in). Nursed her a bit, fell asleep, then failed hardcore at the crib transfer. She did what she did last night: kept turning her head into the pillow. Last night I gave her a bottle of formula (and managed to get a whopping three hours of sleep out of her before she woke up), so tonight I decided to fully wake her up, breast feed as much as I could, and give her another bottle. Brilliant! Full belly, I put her on the breast again to comfort nurse her to sleep and she wasn't really interested. Instead, she fixed her huge eyes on a spot on the curtains and slowly drifted off to sleep. I swear it was just a fluke, but at this point, I'll take whatever I can get!

Picked up another sleep book today, still have to write about the one I just finished. But that is for another time. Right now I'm relishing in the fact that I had the time (and energy) tonight to do some misc tidying and make myself a sandwich (no Lean Cuisines for this mama tonight!).

The One About Milk

I debated if I wanted this post to be about the sleep book I just finished and some additional online reading I did on the whole "cry it out" debate, but I've decided to put that on pause for now and talk about something else.


As I've mentioned before, I have been taking medication (Domperidone) since Ezri was a week old to help with my milk production. In the whirlwind that is bringing home a new baby, it's possible that I wasn't feeding her as often as I should have in those first couple days, which likely contributed her her initial weight loss and eventual slow gain. But even once feeding was figured out, it was looking very likely that I had low milk production (it's one of those things that's really hard to tell, since you can't monitor how much your baby's getting as they drink). Her paediatrician prescribed it and I've been on it since.


I found out a month or so ago that there's a link between Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and low milk supply, something which I've known I've had for a couple years now. I'm disappointed that my OB either didn't know of the link, or neglected to tell me, as I wasn't prepared for the heartbreak that accompanies not being able to fully feed my child. I had been hesitant to wean her off of the formula supplementation I'd been giving her, fearful of starving her. I got reassurance from her doctor and the health nurses that I should be able to with confidence (which I severely lacked). Eventually, we got so that she would sometimes only get it a couple times a week, sometimes not at all.


Recently, I've had a couple days of missed nighttime doses, in my sleepy haze of bedtime, forgetting to take them, forcing me to play catch-up the next morning. It's really affected my supply, and I'm back to supplementing one or two times a day. Add to that Ezri's "let's sleep at the boob and snack for the last two hours of sleep/during naps," and it's hard to tell if I have anything for her or not sometimes.


Compounding the issue is the fact that I feed her too often. Yes, I've recently discovered it is possible to feed a baby too often. As I said before, I've become a boob stuffer, and she loves to comfort nurse, so anytime she's crying or fussy and I can't get her to settle, I just stuff it! But this means that I'm producing a constant dribble instead of the rush that happens during a let-down. It's become a vicious cycle. Because of her slow weight gain in the beginning, I got so used to feeding her often (as recommended by her doctor and the nurses at the breast feeding clinics I would go to). Now that she's older, she doesn't need to be feeding as often, but she likes to, and I let her. Unfortunately: I feed her, but because I don't produce a lot, she's hungry sooner, but by then, my breasts aren't full from the last feed, which means she doesn't get much, which makes her hungrier sooner, etc.


I'm seeing her paediatrician tomorrow, so I'll ask him about how to solve this. I saw a health nurse at the breast feeding clinic today and instead of being sympathetic, I felt like she was just being critical of a) the fact that we co-sleep and b) that I feed her so often. She didn't take into account what I told her about low milk supply, she simply scolded me for nursing her to sleep and letting her comfort suck. I have previously had good experiences going to these clinics but I left this one feeling shameful, like a bad mother. The opposite of what I needed.


There's a certain grief that exists when a mother has low milk supply. I didn't know how to explain it until I read this article. It says:


"Mothers experiencing supply issues are frequently grieving the loss of exclusive breastfeeding. Mothers who are unable to feed at the breast sometimes say that they feel as they are grieving a death. These mothers are often frustrated that their family and friends are not sensitive to their mourning process."


Finally! Someone understands. When I was first told that I needed to supplement with formula, I was devastated. I knew it wasn't within my control, but I felt like a bad mother, like I had done something wrong that I couldn't provide for my baby. Luckily I can produce some. But it's becoming more and more clear that it simply isn't enough, and it likely never will be.


I'm very curious as to what her doctor says tomorrow about her weight. I weighed her at the breast feeding clinic today, 12lbs 4oz. According to an online growth calculator, that puts her in the 6th percentile, down quite a bit from her 2 month visit (she was 25th, if I recall correctly). The doctor had said that it wasn't the percentile itself that's important, but that she stays in one and follows the growth curve. Clearly, she isn't. Add to that my existing concerns about having enough milk, and it makes me a nervous mom! Stress isn't good for milk production though, so I try to take it all as it comes.


As I finish this post, Ezri is laying next to me at the breast, trying to fall asleep. Again. She took more than a half hour to get into the crib and lasted not even that. Bah.

The Chronicles Continue

So I went to Chapter's today to pick up a book that was recommended by a bunch of the anti-cry-it-out (CIO) websites, The No-Cry Sleep Solution. After a quick skim, it was clear that the book was essentially the same as everything I've been reading online that I've already found to not be particularly useful. Also, she's described as a "mother and author," which pretty much tells me that she's just another opinions in a sea of opinions.

I eventually came across a book called Bed Timing: The "When-To" Guide To Help Your Child Sleep. It's written by a couple, both child psychologists (and parents), specializing in behavioural and developmental psychology (the one is also a professor of neuroscience). They talk about how the "how" of sleep training (which they broadly define in order to include non-CIO methods such as No-Cry) is less important than the "when," explaining how the developmental stages of infants and young children make certain ages ripe for training, and others doomed for failure.

I'm enjoying it so far. The introduction got me immediately, talking about how so many approaches make parents feel guilty for putting their own sleep needs ahead of their children's. They stress that a good parent is a well rested parent, and we have to do what we can to have the happiest and healthiest household possible.

The book is somewhat academic, in that it doesn't rely heavily on anecdotal evidence, but rather charts, in detail, developmental stages and (briefly) describes research supporting their claims. I think this is why I connect with the book; I'm a science minded person and require credible evidence to make a compelling case. We'll see how useful it ultimately ends up being, but at the very least, it will give me some insight into how babies' brains develop, which in and of itself is interesting and valuable.

That being said, today was a crappy day on the sleep front. Crappy naps, failed bedtime, and an eventual very late sleep. Put her down in her crib at 10pm. Wrote this, now I'm going to bed (only to likely be woken up in an hour or two).

Blarg.

Elusive Baby Sleep

And so the adventure continues....

We've had a few big nighttime routine fails. One night we didn't have any cold water so I had to boil three kettles worth for her bath, meanwhile she's hanging out on the bathroom floor. Then she managed to pull out the plug mid-bath and water starts leaking all over the floor. Then I decided to change the bedtime routine because while she's relaxed in the bath, getting out of the bath is less than fun for her. So let's replace it with some naked time on the floor, maybe a little massage. Even got some lavender lotion. Fail. She was overtired and just screamed.

BUT last night she stayed down her longest stint yet, 2 and a half hours. I've been putting her to sleep in the chair, down in the crib, then doing one more wake up, putting her down in the bassinet, then bringing her to bed. She usually lasts 1.5-2 hours the first time and anywhere from 0.5-1.5 hours the second time. By then, I'm so exhausted, I just can't do it again (since we're usually in the rocking chair for 0.5-1 hour each time to get her asleep enough to put down).

It's been trying, to say the least. During her morning nap today she didn't even make it to the crib. The second I put her down, she woke up. Then I tried a second time, woke up right away. Finally I just needed her to sleep so I sat with her in the chair for the remainder of the nap.

It's hard because at least before I could hang out with her in the living room, watch some TV. Now I'm just bored in the bedroom, tied to the damned chair for however long it takes to get her to sleep. I'm still not entirely sure how I'm going to transition away from nursing her to sleep. It inhibits what we can do too, going out is hard because she won't fall asleep in the stroller anymore, no matter how tired she is. Yesterday I had to sit with her on a bench at the mall for over an hour while she napped on me under the nursing cover. Luckily I was hanging out with another mom who understood what I was going through!

Two separate people in my life right now have just started "Crying It Out" (CIO). Both are having great success with it three days in. I'm still on the fence. I see it as a last resort. Most tips I've gotten for putting babies down aren't super helpful.

"Put them down while they're drowsy, but still awake." Ok, so then what do I do when she (inevitably) starts crying (aka immediately). Her eyes snap open and all my "getting her drowsy" work goes out the window.

What scared the shit out of me with the CIO is the claim that sleep training causes brain damage and other horrible claims that test the limits of parental guilt for even considering it. Then my sister directed me to this great article. I agree that if science is to be used to substantiate emotional claims, it'd better be accurate, rather than extrapolation, conjecture, and in some cases, just plain wishful thinking. Letting your child cry for hours clearly isn't ideal: find me one parent who decided that this was a good first choice (who isn't otherwise neglectful or abusive). But for some kids (like my nephew), it turned into a last choice, and one that's working.

I'm still just in the beginning stages of Ezri's new sleep routine, so we'll see how it goes. Right now, nap #2 of the day is in progress and she's in the crib. For now.

That's what it always seems to be... "Ezri's asleep.... for now."

Adventures in Sleep

Haven't posted in a while. Been busy with what I'm now sure is a slightly colicky and teething baby. Barf.

Had our first big travel adventure to visit family in Regina. Ezri flew surprisingly well!! Slept almost the entire way back, just a big fussy during take-off both ways, but overall I got to avoid the "Why don't you shut that damned kid up" looks. Yay!

Right now our big challenge is sleep. We've been co-sleeping and overall have gotten Ezri into some pretty bad sleep habits. There's nothing "bad" about co-sleeping in and of itself, but it's balls as far as intimacy goes. The other thing I end up doing is sleeping pretty much all night with my boob in her mouth (ditto for naps on the couch), being used as a human pacifier (stupid kid still won't take a soother). As fun as that is (it isn't), she'll be 4 months in a couple of days and I think it's about time we work towards changing that. I don't expect it to come quickly, nor easily, which is why I'm starting now, while it's still not a "problem," exactly, but could become so in the future.

Like I said, it's isn't co-sleeping that's the problem, it's a) her inability to fall asleep without nursing, b) her inability to stay asleep without nursing. She's a pretty restless sleeper, wakes herself up all the time by smacking herself in the face with her hands. And there's no "waking up a bit" with this kid. Once her eyes open, she's totally awake, and considering how long it takes to get her to sleep, doing it a million times a night has not been something I'm interested in.

We have been doing what works. Meaning what's easiest for us. Co-sleeping means I get sleep, it means she gets sleep, it means my husband gets sleep. But it won't (can't) work forever and now is a good a time as any to start the long journey towards crib sleeping. I have complete respect for those families who, either out of necessity or choice, co-sleep for months, even years, but it's not exactly for me.

What I'm starting is a bedtime routine. Essentially using classical conditioning, associating various things with sleep, so that eventually I can remove the nursing element and still be able to get her to sleep. We start with a bath (with calming lavender), move into her room lights low, and nurse her while rocking in the chair. I'm also putting her to bed with the same stuffed animal (it's one of those small blanket creatures with a head and little nubblies on the corners; this one is a green rabbit), so she can associate the feel of it with comfort (she often reaches up at my breast while nursing to fall asleep, stroking it; this is giving her a new thing to stroke so that someone else can put her to bed). Once I acquire some lullaby MP3s, I'll incorporate music into this routine, which is likely to be the strongest association, assuming I stick with the same music each night (or rotate two or three albums).

Sounds like my baby is a psych project.... and I suppose she kind of is. My paper will be entitled "How to Raise a Functional Human." I hope I pass!!

Wish us luck in our bedtime endeavours. Lord knows we'll need it.

Cute Face

I've been getting so many smiles the last few days! I love it! <3

That is all.

Blarg. Mommying Ain't Eezay.

I've hit a total wall. All I do all day is try to keep/stop Ezri from crying. She's so fussy, I feel like a comfort zombie. None of my needs/desires matter, I barely get to eat or use the bathroom, let alone do anything that I enjoy. I love my daughter, but being on Cry Prevention Duty is not enjoyable.

It'll pass, I keep telling myself. Soon she'll start smiling more regularly, laughing even. She'll be able to play with toys, amuse herself for more than 90 seconds at a time. It'll happen.

In the mean time, I'm losing my shit.

Parents I know (or run into in the mall and decide I need advice) keep telling me how fondly they look back on this period, and I will too. That is of little comfort when I haven't left the house in two days because Ezri won't calm down long enough to walk to the grocery store a block from our house without all passers by staring at me like I'm a terrible mother because my child is crying.

Contrary to my ideal, I've become a Boob Stuffer. After bouncing her in circles around my apartment for more than a half hour, I don't care if she ate 45 minutes ago or not: I stuff my boob in her mouth because I know it'll calm her. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the best piece of parenting advice I ever got was that your ideas about what kind of parent you want to be go out the window once the kid arrives and you become a pragmatist.

I just want this stage to be over with. It's exhausting and frustrating. There are beautiful moments too, but they're hard to recall when all I want to do is put her down long enough to shower and maybe, for a few minutes, feel like my own person, a separate entity.

Cranky Poopy Baby

I haz a cranky baby.

She just hasn't been the same since her shots on Thursday. She's typically kind of a whiny kid to begin with (most of my days are spent finding ways to keep/stop her from crying), but it's been ten fold the last few days. The first couple she was kind of sluggish and tired, had a bit of a fever that night and the next day (nothing a little baby Tylenol couldn't handle). But the last couple days? Sheesh. Cry City.

I don't want to be that mom who stuffs her kid's face with meds when she's cranky, but I have read that the Tylenol can help the mood swings, even if there's no fever. I mean, she's essentially half-sick right now, her little body doing its all to absorb the vaccinations. It's hard to find reliable information online about what to do in this kind of situation, but a lot of mom-forums I came across say crankiness for up to a week is normal.

A week!

Oh and she finally pooped today. This kid was saving it up. For eight days. Imagine eight days worth of poo, all at once. It was horrific. You'd need space-age diapers to contain that much (which I do not have, so you can see my problem). Gross.

But I still love her!! <3

Three Little Shots

Ezri got her first round of vaccinations today. Poor girl was not impressed. I had read that nursing while they're giving the shots helps, and the doctor agreed. I can't say it made any difference, since I have nothing to compare it to, but she seemed to calm down relatively quickly. It's been about 6 hours, and no excess fussiness, no fever, she seems to have taken them well.

Recently on Facebook a conversation was started about whether or not to vaccinate children. I'm still surprised at how many people are against vaccinations. I'm not a "drink the koolaid" kind of person, I've done my research. I know that they study that claimed a link between vaccinations and autism, after extensive peer-review, wasn't only found to be questionable, but elements were flat out made up. Yet, somehow, since this debate has been opened, people can't seem to reevaluate this new evidence. Thank-you, Jenny McCarthy.

Ezri's paediatrician commented with sincerity that vaccinations have changed his job, for the better. He reveled at not having to treat meningitis anymore, and noted that the only children to contract it in BC are unimmunized. Why don't we see polio anymore? Because of vaccinations.

There's more evidence coming out about the benefits of spacing immunizations out differently, which I admit I'm not entirely read up on. But that's the neat thing about science: constant reevaluation, revision, improvements, and research.

I know everyone has an opinion on this, but at the end of the day, not all opinions are created equal. Some are based on a rational understanding of scientific evidence with a healthy dose of perspective and question-asking, and some are based on fear of modern medicine and a misunderstanding of biological processes. Sorry if you don't like it, but that's just the truth.

Peering In a Tiny Window

Well, it's been more than a month since my last post. Ezri kind of "woke up" from her newborn slumber and became very active and needy. She requires constant holding and stimulation, I barely get a moment without her in my arms unless Josh is there with me. Ironically, I started a blog post a few weeks ago about how she sucks up all my time, but never finished it because a paragraph into it, she woke up and required my attention.

Since this "awakening" she's lost her ability to sleep in her bassinet. It takes her forever to fall asleep enough to put her down without waking up as soon as her back makes contact with the mattress. During the days, if I can successfully put her down, she wakes up within minutes. During the nights, I simply can't spare my own sleep it takes to assure she's deep enough under to put down. Consequently, she's been sleeping in bed with us most of the time.

I promised myself I couldn't co-sleep, but as a parent, you kind of end up doing what works. Some advice I got from a fellow parent while I was pregnant: Before kids, you can afford to be self-righteous with your ideas about parenting, judging other parents. Relish in it, because it's the last time you'll know everything. After kids, you lose that ego and find yourself doing things you never would have guessed, just because they work.

One of my favorite parts of having Ezri in bed with us is that first moment, when she's still wide awake after feeding, I crawl into bed, placing her next to me on her side. We stare at one another, face to face in the dim blue glow of the night light, and I see a person.

A real little person.

It reminds me of when I was a kid and would play with a particular doll house that my grandparents had. It felt more real to me than any other set I'd seen, and when I peered into the window at all the tiny furniture arranged just so, it felt like I was looking into a house. A real little house. It felt so magical, so wondrous, imagining the tiny people that lived in this tiny house inside of our giant house. When I look at her in those moments, I feel the same wonder.

As exhausting and time consuming as she is, it's glorious.

The One About Poop

When you're totally responsible for the survival of another, helpless, fragile creature who is unable to take advantage of the joys of opposable thumbs or verbal communication, you become necessarily and intimately acquainted with their ins and outs. Dog owners know what I'm talking about, although luckily my daughter doesn't shit on the lawn and make me pick it up. You're liable for everything that goes in and everything that comes out, and you begin to pay close attention to said things.

With our own bodies, we know how we're feeling because, well, we feel it, and we can communicate that do other people via our words. Babies have no such ability, so, we, as parents, have to use other clues to sleuth our way to finding out how our children are feeling. This means watching their poop.

We are parents. We are Poop Sleuths.

Ezri's most famous move is something I like to call Exploding Poops. She waits until her diaper is off and I'm all done wiping her and then shoots her watery smelly crap all over the place. It's horrible. It gets so much air, it has an arc to it. An arc of poop. Just the other day, she shot it almost two feet across the living room floor. I'm fairly certain I should make some kind of Olympic event out of it. We'd kick ass.

But perhaps a parent most notices their kid's poop when something is wrong, like when there's none or there's too damned much. Then poop sleuthing actually becomes an emotional experience. When Ezri was first born, she didn't poo for a few days, and it was of some concern. That first dirty diaper after a few days of just wet ones was a cause for celebration!

"She pooped! Huzzah!"

People without kids will never really understand our obsession with the bodily functions of our children. And just FYI, my childless friends: When we talk about it, it's not that we're trying to be gross or insensitive. It's just our life now.

On Boobs

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise: Breast feeding does not come natually. It's a natural thing, sure, and an incredible wonderful healthy fabulous thing. But it's not automatic and it sure isn't easy.

Ezri and I got off to a great start. As per my wishes, I got to breast feed virtually right away. Some beautiful skin-to-skin time immediately post-birth, then after being weighed and measured, we got down to business. It was awesome. Feeding my child with my own body is an incredible feeling, I was thrilled.

Things kept going well until we got home. It was really hard to keep her awake during feedings, but I didn't think anything of it. Our public health nurse came to visit a couple days after being discharged because we were concerned about jaundice. Turns out she lost more weight than is normal (around 5% of birth weight is normal, she lost 12%), and things just kept progressing from there.

The jaundice sorted itself out (thank goodness), and for her one week checkup, we saw a paediatrician. Her weight was still not adequate, and he said we'd have to start supplementing.

Formula? Fuck.

I'm such a huge breast feeding fanatic, I'll never understand women who voluntarily don't breast feed. At all. It baffles me. So this was a huge blow, to know that my body wasn't enough for my child. Turns out, I wasn't producing enough for het yet. Add that to the fact that she's impossible to keep conscious long enough to feed, and then she developed latching issues, her health was our #1 priority. If that meant formula, then that meant formula. Doesn't mean I'm thrilled about it.

They recommended a bunch of things to use instead of a bottle, since breast feeding isn't yet well established til usually the second month and the bottle can cause further issues, since it's so much easier to get milk from than the breast. But none of them were practical. When you're already frustrated, overtired, and have your support team (husband and mother) leaving soon (going back to work and flying out, respectively), you have to think about your own sanity too. I'm good to no one if I'm broken.

So a ton of pills (to get my milk supply up) and one breast pump (ditto) later, and we have our good days and our bad days. More like good feeds and bad feeds. Her weight is up by a wonderful amount, enough that I was told we can start weening her off the formula, one feeding at a time (see how she is on the breast and judge from there).

It is definitely not an exact science, but according to multiple nurses and lactation experts I've seen over the last two weeks, I'm doing everything right. It just takes time. It's hard to remember that when it's 2am and all you want is to feed and sleep, but the little one won't latch because she keeps getting her limbs in the way, but you don't have any free hands to hold them back, and then once she does get on, she immediately falls asleep, and then when she looses the latch and wakes up, she panics and starts freaking out, screaming too much to be able to latch again.

Welcome to my life.

I just keep reminding myself "It will get easier."

13 Things About Labour

After much anticipation, the baby has arrived! I knew one way or another, she couldn't stay in there forever (although sometimes it did seem that way).

Ezri Sagan Joy was born at 3:17am on Tuesday, January 18th, weighing in at 7lbs 6oz. Hooray!

It's been a wild couple of weeks, to say the least, so it took me a bit to figure out how I wanted to structure this post, what to write about first. The whirlwind that is my life has wrapped itself around my ability to think clearly and concisely, so this post may be scattered somewhat. But I'll do my best.

Things People Who Have Never Given Birth Might Find Interesting About The Experience:

1) I didn't know I was in labour at first. It sure isn't like it is in the movies, your water breaking at the grocery store, gushing all over the floor, with a dramatic "The baby is coming!" It started out like menstrual cramps, and took me a good hour of humming and hawing over to maybe admit that I was feeling the first of my labour contractions.

My real first indication that I was going to go into labour that day (a week and a half early, mind you) was a feeling of restlessness that I just couldn't shake. I had read that in the books, but when you feel it for yourself, you kinda don't want to admit that maybe this could mean "The baby is coming!"

2) Labour does not progress like the books say. Well, at least it didn't for me. According to experts, I was supposed to begin my contractions at 10-20 minutes apart, sit in that phase for a while until they get closer together, and then a number of hours later, when they are consistently 2-5 minutes apart, go into the hospital. When my "I think they might be cramps" began, I wasn't timing them, but about an hour or so later, when I started, they were about 5 minutes apart, some closer, some farther.

"What the hell does this mean?!" I thought.

Well, by the time Josh got home from work, we called the hospital to have them advise. Because the baby hadn't kicked in a while, they said come in. This brings me to point numero three.

3) Traveling while in labour is no fun. We took a cab there, but it wouldn't have been any more pleasant had we had our own car. Anything short of teleportation is just uncomfortable. I cannot imagine being farther along in my labour than I was and trying to get to the hospital. Hell, just getting onto the freaking bed once it was time to push was enough work for me in that state.

4) If you are lucid in between contractions, they don't take you seriously. They were convinced they were going to send me home. They monitored the baby to make sure she was ok, which she was. Turned out the lack of movement was just her sleeping... how dare she sleep when I was in pain?! She woke up, contractions looked good, only 2cm dilated. They said they'd monitor me for a bit longer, let me walk around, and then check my cervix again in a bit, but likely I'd have to come back early morning. Well, all of a sudden, my contractions were coming faster and stronger, and I was 4cm dilated.

"Welcome to the hotel!" said the OB. I was given a proper room, and there I was.

5) Strong contractions hurt like a mother fucker. There is no easy way to put it. They just suck. All you can do is find a position that feels comfortable for you, and go with it. I tried a bunch of labouring positions that had been highly recommended by by multiple sources as being some of the most comfortable, including the birthing ball, hands and knees, and in the bath, none of which worked. Leaning over the bed was the only thing that brought relief. That, and making ridiculous noises when I exhaled. But what the hell do I care, I'm having a freaking baby.

6) You can have a baby without pain medications. I am not judging a woman's decision to take them, but I'm just saying, I did it. At one point, I thought I wasn't going to be able to, though. I almost broke.

I was laying in the bath, in between contractions trying to arrange my position to be more comfortable. What was good during the contraction wasn't relaxing in between, and vice versa. I thought this was it, I can't handle it anymore, I need something. I said so to Josh, who mentioned it to the nurse. She had seen my birth plan, and suggested maybe I get out of the tub and try another position.

Once we found our sweet spot, the contractions were just so constant that I didn't really have time to think about anything else. The pain wasn't something I could actively think about alleviating, it was a matter of survival. I just had to get through this next contraction. And this one. And now this one. And so on.

7) Having a baby is like having an out of body experience. If you let it and listen to it, your body knows exactly what to do, you are simply along for the ride. During contractions, I closed my eyes, breathed how my body wanted to, made the sounds my body wanted me to, moved the way I needed to, all as though watching myself from above. I had no control over anything happening. I just did.

8) When your water breaks, finally, it does gush. All over the floor. Don't wear slippers. But it's ok, they clean it right up.

9) Pushing is a huge relief. It feels so good to do something with the tension, it's almost pleasurable compared to the contractions on their own. No one needs to tell you when to start pushing, you just do it because it's what your body knows has to happen.

10) Pushing feels like pooping. Not kinda like pooping, exactly like pooping. I had heard it described as such before, and I thought they meant "Like pooping, except in your vagina," but no. It felt like I was going to crap myself. But I didn't (although some people do). Phewf!

11) Then it burns. This part sucks. And burns. A lot. But it doesn't last long. You push into the burn (my total pushing time was 1 hour, maybe half or a third of that burned), and eventually, everyone around you gets louder and louder, cheering you on (or shouting at you to stop, cuz you're tearing - which, by the way, isn't as bad as it sounds, you hardly notice), and then they tell you to reach down and grab your baby. I pulled her out myself.

12) At the end of the day, you will have a baby. And it's incredible. You will cry. You will be overwhelmed. You will feel both sick to your stomach and totally high at the same time.

I couldn't sleep for hours afterwards. Even though she was born at 3:17am, the adrenaline pumping through my body prevented me from getting more than a minute's rest here and there. I kept going over the events of the last 10.5 hours in my head. It all seemed so surreal.

"Did I really just do that?!"

Ya, I totally fucking did. Rad.

Oh and as a final note. If your labour goes anything like mine (or you are so detached from your surroundings as I was, just living in the moment, in, but simultaneously high above, your body), you'll find this final point useful:

13) Half of the crap you bring in your hospital bag will be useless. Don't over think things. We had music, massage lotion, snacks, chapstick, and all kinds of other things that the books tell you you'll really be thankful you have with you. It's easy to plan for all your possible needs when you are weeks away from labour, meticulously thinking through ways to make your future you more comfortable. But the fact of the matter is that labour is uncomfortable, and you really won't have the presence of mind to make use of any of these items. Pack for post labour. Recovery is much more a conscious effort than birth.

Why I Can't Wait To Not Be Pregnant Anymore

I am so over being pregnant.

I have to admit, it's been a pretty easy pregnancy overall, considering not only what can go wrong, but what some moms I know have experienced. No morning sickness, no haemorrhoids, no gestational diabetes, no hyper-tension. Just some back pain and swollen feet.

But now, all I want to do is to be able to breathe again. I wonder if it's possible to have your kid's feet puncture a lung....

Things I'm looking forward to about not being pregnant:

1. Breathing. You never think much of it until it becomes a struggle.

2. Bending over. For so long I took for granted the simple acts of tying my shoes, putting my pants on, and trimming my toenails. They have now become grant feats that must be conquered daily, I'm like a freaking knight slaying dragons. I should get a metal for putting my boots on in less than 10 minutes.

3. Eating like a normal person. The worst thing in the world is finding yourself so hungry, getting a plate of food in front of you, and only being able to stomach a fraction of it. Then being hungry again in like a half hour. Stupid baby, taking up all my stomach expansion room.

4. Sleeping. Yes, I don't need anyone to point out "Oh, you won't be sleeping much when the baby comes! Ahaha!" Think you're the first clever person to say that? Well you're not, so shut it. I mean sleeping in whatever position I choose. Sleeping on your back while pregnant is a no-no, and if you're like me and you find your unconscious self occasionally shifting into that position without your permission, you find out why. It hurts. It's like trying to sleep with a pony on your abdomen. But sleeping on your sides isn't much better. Since your body is gearing up to push a baby out via your hips, your joints are loosening, making your hips, arms, and shoulders all susceptible to falling asleep on you. It's painful and not the best way to wake up when you have to pee in the middle of the night (unable to hoist your ten tonne body up because of a sleeping arm or walk the ten steps to the bathroom because of a sleeping leg).

5. Not peeing in the middle of the night. A million times. Seriously bladder. WTF.

6. Normal nasal function. Little known fact: pregnant ladies are phlegmy ladies. Hot, I know. I'm looking forward to not having a sore throat all the time due to the dripping of crap from my nose to my throat while I sleep. Oh, the joys.

7. Normal brain function. "Baby Brain" isn't just a folksy anecdote. I literally have less brain cells while pregnant. Add that to an already terrible memory, and I'm surprised I remember my name some days.

Recently, I've added to this list:

8. Not being asked every time you see someone if you've popped yet. Clearly, I still have a baby inside of me. So no, no I haven't popped yet. Use your powers of deduction and think before you speak.

To be fair, I should note all of the things I've liked about being pregnant. They are as follows:

1. Making a human being inside of my person.

2..... Ya, no, there's really just the one thing.

And at the end of the day, it trumps all the things I don't like.

You win this time, baby. You win this time.