The One About Milk

I debated if I wanted this post to be about the sleep book I just finished and some additional online reading I did on the whole "cry it out" debate, but I've decided to put that on pause for now and talk about something else.


As I've mentioned before, I have been taking medication (Domperidone) since Ezri was a week old to help with my milk production. In the whirlwind that is bringing home a new baby, it's possible that I wasn't feeding her as often as I should have in those first couple days, which likely contributed her her initial weight loss and eventual slow gain. But even once feeding was figured out, it was looking very likely that I had low milk production (it's one of those things that's really hard to tell, since you can't monitor how much your baby's getting as they drink). Her paediatrician prescribed it and I've been on it since.


I found out a month or so ago that there's a link between Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and low milk supply, something which I've known I've had for a couple years now. I'm disappointed that my OB either didn't know of the link, or neglected to tell me, as I wasn't prepared for the heartbreak that accompanies not being able to fully feed my child. I had been hesitant to wean her off of the formula supplementation I'd been giving her, fearful of starving her. I got reassurance from her doctor and the health nurses that I should be able to with confidence (which I severely lacked). Eventually, we got so that she would sometimes only get it a couple times a week, sometimes not at all.


Recently, I've had a couple days of missed nighttime doses, in my sleepy haze of bedtime, forgetting to take them, forcing me to play catch-up the next morning. It's really affected my supply, and I'm back to supplementing one or two times a day. Add to that Ezri's "let's sleep at the boob and snack for the last two hours of sleep/during naps," and it's hard to tell if I have anything for her or not sometimes.


Compounding the issue is the fact that I feed her too often. Yes, I've recently discovered it is possible to feed a baby too often. As I said before, I've become a boob stuffer, and she loves to comfort nurse, so anytime she's crying or fussy and I can't get her to settle, I just stuff it! But this means that I'm producing a constant dribble instead of the rush that happens during a let-down. It's become a vicious cycle. Because of her slow weight gain in the beginning, I got so used to feeding her often (as recommended by her doctor and the nurses at the breast feeding clinics I would go to). Now that she's older, she doesn't need to be feeding as often, but she likes to, and I let her. Unfortunately: I feed her, but because I don't produce a lot, she's hungry sooner, but by then, my breasts aren't full from the last feed, which means she doesn't get much, which makes her hungrier sooner, etc.


I'm seeing her paediatrician tomorrow, so I'll ask him about how to solve this. I saw a health nurse at the breast feeding clinic today and instead of being sympathetic, I felt like she was just being critical of a) the fact that we co-sleep and b) that I feed her so often. She didn't take into account what I told her about low milk supply, she simply scolded me for nursing her to sleep and letting her comfort suck. I have previously had good experiences going to these clinics but I left this one feeling shameful, like a bad mother. The opposite of what I needed.


There's a certain grief that exists when a mother has low milk supply. I didn't know how to explain it until I read this article. It says:


"Mothers experiencing supply issues are frequently grieving the loss of exclusive breastfeeding. Mothers who are unable to feed at the breast sometimes say that they feel as they are grieving a death. These mothers are often frustrated that their family and friends are not sensitive to their mourning process."


Finally! Someone understands. When I was first told that I needed to supplement with formula, I was devastated. I knew it wasn't within my control, but I felt like a bad mother, like I had done something wrong that I couldn't provide for my baby. Luckily I can produce some. But it's becoming more and more clear that it simply isn't enough, and it likely never will be.


I'm very curious as to what her doctor says tomorrow about her weight. I weighed her at the breast feeding clinic today, 12lbs 4oz. According to an online growth calculator, that puts her in the 6th percentile, down quite a bit from her 2 month visit (she was 25th, if I recall correctly). The doctor had said that it wasn't the percentile itself that's important, but that she stays in one and follows the growth curve. Clearly, she isn't. Add to that my existing concerns about having enough milk, and it makes me a nervous mom! Stress isn't good for milk production though, so I try to take it all as it comes.


As I finish this post, Ezri is laying next to me at the breast, trying to fall asleep. Again. She took more than a half hour to get into the crib and lasted not even that. Bah.