13 Things About Labour

After much anticipation, the baby has arrived! I knew one way or another, she couldn't stay in there forever (although sometimes it did seem that way).

Ezri Sagan Joy was born at 3:17am on Tuesday, January 18th, weighing in at 7lbs 6oz. Hooray!

It's been a wild couple of weeks, to say the least, so it took me a bit to figure out how I wanted to structure this post, what to write about first. The whirlwind that is my life has wrapped itself around my ability to think clearly and concisely, so this post may be scattered somewhat. But I'll do my best.

Things People Who Have Never Given Birth Might Find Interesting About The Experience:

1) I didn't know I was in labour at first. It sure isn't like it is in the movies, your water breaking at the grocery store, gushing all over the floor, with a dramatic "The baby is coming!" It started out like menstrual cramps, and took me a good hour of humming and hawing over to maybe admit that I was feeling the first of my labour contractions.

My real first indication that I was going to go into labour that day (a week and a half early, mind you) was a feeling of restlessness that I just couldn't shake. I had read that in the books, but when you feel it for yourself, you kinda don't want to admit that maybe this could mean "The baby is coming!"

2) Labour does not progress like the books say. Well, at least it didn't for me. According to experts, I was supposed to begin my contractions at 10-20 minutes apart, sit in that phase for a while until they get closer together, and then a number of hours later, when they are consistently 2-5 minutes apart, go into the hospital. When my "I think they might be cramps" began, I wasn't timing them, but about an hour or so later, when I started, they were about 5 minutes apart, some closer, some farther.

"What the hell does this mean?!" I thought.

Well, by the time Josh got home from work, we called the hospital to have them advise. Because the baby hadn't kicked in a while, they said come in. This brings me to point numero three.

3) Traveling while in labour is no fun. We took a cab there, but it wouldn't have been any more pleasant had we had our own car. Anything short of teleportation is just uncomfortable. I cannot imagine being farther along in my labour than I was and trying to get to the hospital. Hell, just getting onto the freaking bed once it was time to push was enough work for me in that state.

4) If you are lucid in between contractions, they don't take you seriously. They were convinced they were going to send me home. They monitored the baby to make sure she was ok, which she was. Turned out the lack of movement was just her sleeping... how dare she sleep when I was in pain?! She woke up, contractions looked good, only 2cm dilated. They said they'd monitor me for a bit longer, let me walk around, and then check my cervix again in a bit, but likely I'd have to come back early morning. Well, all of a sudden, my contractions were coming faster and stronger, and I was 4cm dilated.

"Welcome to the hotel!" said the OB. I was given a proper room, and there I was.

5) Strong contractions hurt like a mother fucker. There is no easy way to put it. They just suck. All you can do is find a position that feels comfortable for you, and go with it. I tried a bunch of labouring positions that had been highly recommended by by multiple sources as being some of the most comfortable, including the birthing ball, hands and knees, and in the bath, none of which worked. Leaning over the bed was the only thing that brought relief. That, and making ridiculous noises when I exhaled. But what the hell do I care, I'm having a freaking baby.

6) You can have a baby without pain medications. I am not judging a woman's decision to take them, but I'm just saying, I did it. At one point, I thought I wasn't going to be able to, though. I almost broke.

I was laying in the bath, in between contractions trying to arrange my position to be more comfortable. What was good during the contraction wasn't relaxing in between, and vice versa. I thought this was it, I can't handle it anymore, I need something. I said so to Josh, who mentioned it to the nurse. She had seen my birth plan, and suggested maybe I get out of the tub and try another position.

Once we found our sweet spot, the contractions were just so constant that I didn't really have time to think about anything else. The pain wasn't something I could actively think about alleviating, it was a matter of survival. I just had to get through this next contraction. And this one. And now this one. And so on.

7) Having a baby is like having an out of body experience. If you let it and listen to it, your body knows exactly what to do, you are simply along for the ride. During contractions, I closed my eyes, breathed how my body wanted to, made the sounds my body wanted me to, moved the way I needed to, all as though watching myself from above. I had no control over anything happening. I just did.

8) When your water breaks, finally, it does gush. All over the floor. Don't wear slippers. But it's ok, they clean it right up.

9) Pushing is a huge relief. It feels so good to do something with the tension, it's almost pleasurable compared to the contractions on their own. No one needs to tell you when to start pushing, you just do it because it's what your body knows has to happen.

10) Pushing feels like pooping. Not kinda like pooping, exactly like pooping. I had heard it described as such before, and I thought they meant "Like pooping, except in your vagina," but no. It felt like I was going to crap myself. But I didn't (although some people do). Phewf!

11) Then it burns. This part sucks. And burns. A lot. But it doesn't last long. You push into the burn (my total pushing time was 1 hour, maybe half or a third of that burned), and eventually, everyone around you gets louder and louder, cheering you on (or shouting at you to stop, cuz you're tearing - which, by the way, isn't as bad as it sounds, you hardly notice), and then they tell you to reach down and grab your baby. I pulled her out myself.

12) At the end of the day, you will have a baby. And it's incredible. You will cry. You will be overwhelmed. You will feel both sick to your stomach and totally high at the same time.

I couldn't sleep for hours afterwards. Even though she was born at 3:17am, the adrenaline pumping through my body prevented me from getting more than a minute's rest here and there. I kept going over the events of the last 10.5 hours in my head. It all seemed so surreal.

"Did I really just do that?!"

Ya, I totally fucking did. Rad.

Oh and as a final note. If your labour goes anything like mine (or you are so detached from your surroundings as I was, just living in the moment, in, but simultaneously high above, your body), you'll find this final point useful:

13) Half of the crap you bring in your hospital bag will be useless. Don't over think things. We had music, massage lotion, snacks, chapstick, and all kinds of other things that the books tell you you'll really be thankful you have with you. It's easy to plan for all your possible needs when you are weeks away from labour, meticulously thinking through ways to make your future you more comfortable. But the fact of the matter is that labour is uncomfortable, and you really won't have the presence of mind to make use of any of these items. Pack for post labour. Recovery is much more a conscious effort than birth.

Why I Can't Wait To Not Be Pregnant Anymore

I am so over being pregnant.

I have to admit, it's been a pretty easy pregnancy overall, considering not only what can go wrong, but what some moms I know have experienced. No morning sickness, no haemorrhoids, no gestational diabetes, no hyper-tension. Just some back pain and swollen feet.

But now, all I want to do is to be able to breathe again. I wonder if it's possible to have your kid's feet puncture a lung....

Things I'm looking forward to about not being pregnant:

1. Breathing. You never think much of it until it becomes a struggle.

2. Bending over. For so long I took for granted the simple acts of tying my shoes, putting my pants on, and trimming my toenails. They have now become grant feats that must be conquered daily, I'm like a freaking knight slaying dragons. I should get a metal for putting my boots on in less than 10 minutes.

3. Eating like a normal person. The worst thing in the world is finding yourself so hungry, getting a plate of food in front of you, and only being able to stomach a fraction of it. Then being hungry again in like a half hour. Stupid baby, taking up all my stomach expansion room.

4. Sleeping. Yes, I don't need anyone to point out "Oh, you won't be sleeping much when the baby comes! Ahaha!" Think you're the first clever person to say that? Well you're not, so shut it. I mean sleeping in whatever position I choose. Sleeping on your back while pregnant is a no-no, and if you're like me and you find your unconscious self occasionally shifting into that position without your permission, you find out why. It hurts. It's like trying to sleep with a pony on your abdomen. But sleeping on your sides isn't much better. Since your body is gearing up to push a baby out via your hips, your joints are loosening, making your hips, arms, and shoulders all susceptible to falling asleep on you. It's painful and not the best way to wake up when you have to pee in the middle of the night (unable to hoist your ten tonne body up because of a sleeping arm or walk the ten steps to the bathroom because of a sleeping leg).

5. Not peeing in the middle of the night. A million times. Seriously bladder. WTF.

6. Normal nasal function. Little known fact: pregnant ladies are phlegmy ladies. Hot, I know. I'm looking forward to not having a sore throat all the time due to the dripping of crap from my nose to my throat while I sleep. Oh, the joys.

7. Normal brain function. "Baby Brain" isn't just a folksy anecdote. I literally have less brain cells while pregnant. Add that to an already terrible memory, and I'm surprised I remember my name some days.

Recently, I've added to this list:

8. Not being asked every time you see someone if you've popped yet. Clearly, I still have a baby inside of me. So no, no I haven't popped yet. Use your powers of deduction and think before you speak.

To be fair, I should note all of the things I've liked about being pregnant. They are as follows:

1. Making a human being inside of my person.

2..... Ya, no, there's really just the one thing.

And at the end of the day, it trumps all the things I don't like.

You win this time, baby. You win this time.