Why I Can't Wait To Not Be Pregnant Anymore

I am so over being pregnant.

I have to admit, it's been a pretty easy pregnancy overall, considering not only what can go wrong, but what some moms I know have experienced. No morning sickness, no haemorrhoids, no gestational diabetes, no hyper-tension. Just some back pain and swollen feet.

But now, all I want to do is to be able to breathe again. I wonder if it's possible to have your kid's feet puncture a lung....

Things I'm looking forward to about not being pregnant:

1. Breathing. You never think much of it until it becomes a struggle.

2. Bending over. For so long I took for granted the simple acts of tying my shoes, putting my pants on, and trimming my toenails. They have now become grant feats that must be conquered daily, I'm like a freaking knight slaying dragons. I should get a metal for putting my boots on in less than 10 minutes.

3. Eating like a normal person. The worst thing in the world is finding yourself so hungry, getting a plate of food in front of you, and only being able to stomach a fraction of it. Then being hungry again in like a half hour. Stupid baby, taking up all my stomach expansion room.

4. Sleeping. Yes, I don't need anyone to point out "Oh, you won't be sleeping much when the baby comes! Ahaha!" Think you're the first clever person to say that? Well you're not, so shut it. I mean sleeping in whatever position I choose. Sleeping on your back while pregnant is a no-no, and if you're like me and you find your unconscious self occasionally shifting into that position without your permission, you find out why. It hurts. It's like trying to sleep with a pony on your abdomen. But sleeping on your sides isn't much better. Since your body is gearing up to push a baby out via your hips, your joints are loosening, making your hips, arms, and shoulders all susceptible to falling asleep on you. It's painful and not the best way to wake up when you have to pee in the middle of the night (unable to hoist your ten tonne body up because of a sleeping arm or walk the ten steps to the bathroom because of a sleeping leg).

5. Not peeing in the middle of the night. A million times. Seriously bladder. WTF.

6. Normal nasal function. Little known fact: pregnant ladies are phlegmy ladies. Hot, I know. I'm looking forward to not having a sore throat all the time due to the dripping of crap from my nose to my throat while I sleep. Oh, the joys.

7. Normal brain function. "Baby Brain" isn't just a folksy anecdote. I literally have less brain cells while pregnant. Add that to an already terrible memory, and I'm surprised I remember my name some days.

Recently, I've added to this list:

8. Not being asked every time you see someone if you've popped yet. Clearly, I still have a baby inside of me. So no, no I haven't popped yet. Use your powers of deduction and think before you speak.

To be fair, I should note all of the things I've liked about being pregnant. They are as follows:

1. Making a human being inside of my person.

2..... Ya, no, there's really just the one thing.

And at the end of the day, it trumps all the things I don't like.

You win this time, baby. You win this time.