The One About Sleep

So I'm finally getting around to writing about the reading I did on sleep stuff. I do this now because we (read: I) have decided to start our process on Friday. Eeep!! I'm very nervous, but I know we'll get through it, Ezri with a new skill (falling asleep on her own) and me with a little more time to myself each day.

The first book I read was called Bed Timing, and the entire premise of the book was that there are certain periods within the first four years of a child's life that are more conducive to undergoing some form or another of sleep training than others. It describes what is going on developmentally within these various ages, what the emotional consequences are of these developmental stages, and what that means for sleep training. It then goes on to describe the most common forms of training (including the no-cry method).

What I got out of this book was a) a lot of fabulously interesting developmental information, b) the suggestion to wait until 6 months when a good window opens up (actually, the best window), and c) a sense of ease that I am not a bad parent for thinking of my own sanity when it comes to my child's sleep habits.

What I mean by that is that in doing reading on infant sleep, the whole "no-cry" camp was making me feel terribly guilty about not wanting to co-sleep forever and about thinking that maybe, just maybe, crying wasn't going to kill my child. I ended up coming across a few articles online putting into question some of the fundamental Searsian assumptions about crying and the effects of sleep training (and by fundamental, I mean basic arguments made by this camp; not necessarily common in the general population). I recommend reading the first link, this author actually contacted the authors of a couple of the studies that Sears frequently uses to ask them if the conclusions being drawn from their study are accurate. Guess what. They said no way.

What it comes down to is: will letting my child cry for a couple hours a night for a few nights harm her? The answer: not likely. The studies cited to "prove" this are mostly on crying in cases of severe abuse and/or neglect. If crying itself caused the damage, children with colic would all have brain damage, which is simply not the case.

What I needed to do was hear that I wasn't a terrible mother for choosing anything other than attachment parenting principles when dealing with my child's sleep issues. They're like religious fanatics, these people: their way is the right way, and anyone who doesn't adhere is going to Bad Parent Hell. It made me frustrated, their advice was not helpful, and all it did was make me feel shitty. Once I let that go, stopped letting them judge me, I was able to learn more about sleep itself.

I ended up reading Dr Richard Ferber's book, Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems (he's no-cry's devil). This guy is the director of The Centre for Paediatric Sleep Disorders at the Children's Hospital Boston, so he knows a thing or two about sleep. The book was incredibly detailed: it outlined how sleep works, how the brain works while it's sleeping, how children's sleep differs from adults, and even covered topics such as sleepwalking, night terrors, and bed wetting (it'll be a good one to keep around, for sure). He outlines, in an easy to follow way, what has become known as "The Ferber Method."

The Ferber Method is essentially a method of progressive waiting. You leave the child for 3 minutes, come and comfort them, leave them for 5, comfort them, etc, until they fall asleep, ending with leaving them for no more than a certain amount at a time. The next night you start at 5 minutes, etc. The idea is to allow the child the opportunity to learn to fall asleep on their own, while still supporting them and letting them know that you haven't abandoned them. Within 3-7 nights, the child is able to sleep on their own.

The way he describes sleep props really got to me (Ezri's sleep prop is nursing, and sometimes, if I'm lucky, being bounced by papa). He says, listen: imagine you go to sleep every night the same way. You brush your teeth, you change into your PJs, you wash your face, you get into bed with your pillow and your blanket, and drift off. In the middle of the night, just as your sleep cycle touches the edge of consciousness (which we all do, many times a night), you realize that your pillow is gone! Someone has snuck in and taken your pillow away! They do this every night, and you get so flustered (you need that to sleep!) that you start resisting sleep. Now imagine that you can't speak or leave your room to go look for that pillow. How frustrating would that be?! That's what it's like for a child to wake up without something they went to sleep with (soother, breast, rocking, music, whatever).

Now imagine that instead of waking up without your pillow, you went to sleep in your bed and woke up in the garage! How disorienting! That's what it's like for children to fall asleep in mom's arms and wake up in the crib.

I'm doing this for Ezri as much (more!) than I'm doing it for me. Yes, I'm done co-sleeping. Yes, I'd like my evenings to get to *gasp* spend with my husband. Yes, I'd like to be able to put the dishes away while she naps. But more than that, I want her to have this skill. I'd rather not have her be 3+ years old, still getting frustrated that she's tired but can't fulfill that need on her own.