Reflections of Ourselves

I thought I was going to write a post about Christmas, but then another topic came up that I feel I need to vent about first. I still have a few days to give my Christmas rant, don't worry.

Since realizing that I was going to become a mother, I've been taking stock of the people and forces at play in my life. This didn't start with the pregnancy, but it definitely gave me an impetus to think about what kind of influences I want around me.

I'm no longer living my life just for me; I'll have a small helpless creature to consider in my choices! Shit, I'll have to try my best to stay sane and stable for the sake of this kid. As a grown and relatively emotionally healthy woman, I can bounce back from stress, I can rationalize things and cope with whatever comes my way. But this child....I remember the emotional fragility of childhood. I remember how little things seemed so huge, and huge things seemed so frightening. We can't count on our children just not understanding or remembering the problems surrounding their parents' lives. I decided that I have to make my life as joyful and stable as possible, not only so that I can be a more happy and emotionally secure person (and parent), but also because I'm bringing a child into a world she has no control over, so it should be as healthy as if she moulded it herself.

Idealism? Maybe. I think I'm realistic, I know nothing is perfect. But we all have to strive for something, so why not greatness instead of mediocracy?

All this pondering over the kind of upbringing I want for my child forced me to examine not only my own life but the lives of those around me. I know that I am greatly influenced by the emotional state of people close to me; when someone I care about is stressed, I get stressed. When a friend is outraged or sad or elated, I experience all of these things with them. It's just part of who I am.

I need to surround myself with people who display the kind of qualities I wish for myself and my family.
I need positivity.
I need strength.
I need stability.
I need kindness.

I don't need drama, viciousness, irrationality, unreliability, or immaturity. In fact, no one needs these things.

I'm lucky to have close friends who display all of these positive qualities, and I thank them for their presence. Displays of the second set of traits causes a reexamination of a person's place in my life. Cuz I don't need bullshit.