"The Plan"

We didn't plan on getting pregnant. I know that's taboo to say, but it's the truth. My partner and I have been together for over ten years, and while we always wanted kids, we didn't entirely plan on it being this soon.

When you have an IUD in and have been told by your doctor that it's likely going to be difficult to conceive when the time comes, pregnancy arrives as quite a shock. I don't think enough women talk about the intense feelings they cycle through as they cope with an unplanned pregnancy, and I don't think this silence is healthy. I am so excited and happy to be a mother, but that doesn't mean that I felt this way from the get go. And not being thrilled initially doesn't mean that I will love my child any less. This is important to remember.

The fear that sets in when you find out you're pregnant isn't so much "What the hell am I going to do" but more of a "How did this happen" kind of feeling. Simple answer: I had sex. Even with a reliable birth control method, nothing is 100%. You just never think you're going to be that 2%.

The conversation I had with myself went something like this:
"This wasn't part of the plan!"
"No shit."
"Well what about the plan?"
"We make a new plan I guess?"
"And what is that plan going to look like? Is there a baby in that plan?"
"I have no idea."
"BUT THE PLAN!"

I don't believe in fate, or that this is, in fact, part of some larger plan, beyond my tiny human life plans. I believe in choices. Ultimately, I chose to become a parent. It's funny that even when you tell people that you didn't plan on conceiving, their mind never wants to make that leap that the outcome of having a baby is a choice, not a given. Conception does not equal birth. I fear for those women who see that equal sign deeply etched into their version of reality, many of whom can't even think about choices, let alone talk about them.

Futile dwelling over lost plans only lasts a short time, as you begin to think forward, make new plans, suss out in your head possible futures based on real and important choices. One thing is certain, you will never be the same. Whatever the outcome, all choices change you, shape you as a person. This is true of the very small - in our daily lives, the seemingly mundane decisions that then branch out into a whole web of new options - and the very large - those major life crossroads we sometimes wish we never had to face.

For me, burst from this belly, this new life growing inside of me, was a whole new set of choices, a whole new set of experiences, branching out into the future, forever changing me, my partner, and our life plans.